It hit me tonight how cliche my problem is. I think. But that's not my problem. My problem is my fear of finding myself. My problem isn't the drugs. The drugs are the escape - the symptom, if you will. It's like having a cold. The problem isn't the runny nose or occasional sneeze. It's the virus. I'm so afraid of facing myself that I can't even look into a mirror. I think maybe I'm subconsciously afraid that what I find may be disheartening, at best. I have an odd desire for school to start or for my job to start because I'm tired of trying to occupy myself, distract my mind, search for a high, what have you. Maybe I'm totally off. Maybe I really do just have a drug problem. It doesn't affect my grades. But it manages to affect every other aspect of my life. I only have one friend - and half of the time she gets on my nerves. I've searched for friends in other places. Myspace, Friendster, various Richmond clubs, VCU, etc. But I've come up with nothing. Either no one strikes my fancy or I, theirs. I thought maybe it was because I have such radical yet traditional views that no one knew what to really grab on to. But now I'm beginning to think, maybe everyone sees that I have such a huge wall built around myself - it must not be worth cracking. I know if I tried to befriend myself, I'd give up. Faster than most.