2.11.2005

Etymology and Semantics.

Depression: The Psychological Definition.
A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.

Anhedonia:
The absence of pleasure or the ability to experience it.

Those words are the story of my life. All of them. Every letter.

1.25.2005

Your words are my blood.

I was talking to a friend today and he told me that I live off of his words and that I get upset if he doesn't reply in a speedy manner. (Well, technically he said "manor" but we all know he can't spell.) He also told me to get over myself and that he wasn't ignoring me. I was shocked. I realized he was right. As much as I don't like admitting it, he was right - I actually had feelings for someone. Feelings that immediately ended. No wounds to heal. I caught myself being a human...I mean, a hypocrite.

On an entirely different note, everyone kept asking me what was wrong today. I even had someone who can't talk write me a note and ask me what was wrong. Of course, nothing was wrong - I'm depressed and I lack the ability to express emotions (especially through facial expressions). These are the same people who see me everyday and should know, I don't smile. It's rare.

I wish I had the time to sit down and write something truely remarkable and breathaking..and insightful. But my 18 year old mind is tired. And it has to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. I have classes from 8-12 and work from 1-4:30. I'm sure my mind won't be making an appearance until I can get home and take a nap. But all in all, I have high hopes that tomorrow will be a super day. Even though I don't smile. Or talk. Often.

1.14.2005

True Love.

Me:
you're not paying attention to me
Pat:
i know i forget you're high maintainance in a low maintainance kinda way

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Harsh Reality

So, everyone knows I don't believe in love. Even if you're just hanging out with me for 10 minutes, I'll make sure you know "Love doesn't exist." And "I don't believe in marriage." And so on and so forth. Perhaps it's just a subconcious way for me to push people away before they can decide whether they like me or not - my radical yet somehow traditional beliefs somehow ruining their dreams and motivations for life, being too hard to grasp - neverending love. Or maybe I just feel those are things necessary to know to base a relationship. Or maybe I just like being negative. No matter how hard I can argue about 'love' and 'marriage' I'm still just human - a hypocrite. I'm your average 18 year old American girl, just waiting to appear on the Maury Povich show. I like a boy. He's old. He's mean. He's a rockstar. I will refute relationships (friendships, alike) till the day that I die - but I swear I almost love this boy. He's mean - my friend hates him, my parents hate him. He's old - about 28 - with the maturity level of a 16 year old, on a generous day. Another example of his maturity: he still wants to be a rockstar. What everyone doesn't understand is, he's Pat-mean. He's not really trying to be mean - he's just a smartass. His defense is being a smart ass.
Anyway, if I've never been in love before and I don't believe that it exists - how am I supposed to know if it happens? Morbid curiosity leaves me wondering. But mostly pissed off. I propose to Patrick just about every day. Yet I claim I never want to get married. Maybe my ideas just haven't progressed to the new emotions. I hear college is a hectic period of growth. And I'm smack in the middle of that transition.

1.13.2005

Manowar1


Manowar1
Originally uploaded by miless.
♥ Patrick ♥

1.12.2005

I Made You An Erin Lighter.

This morning: car accident
This afternoon: work
This...night: smokin'
Later tonight: shower and sleep
Tomorrow morning: work
Tomorrow evening: car repair shop
Tomorrow night: sleep

Okay Miss, Cleo...

1.11.2005

Revelations

I knew that hanging out with the losers in high school would pay off in the end. And...this is the end. My only friend - The end.

I saw The Life Aquatic Sunday night with my parents.
This is the run-down.

No gunslingin', blood and guts, war - my father hated it.
Techno-y music, Bill Murray, no plot - my mother loved it.
However, I could go either way. Thumbs up AND thumbs down. More could have been done with it. It was random, I'll give it that. However, it was forced random. The real quality of a truly random movie just wasn't there. If you don't know what I'm talking about, visit http://www.stayte.com) and attempt to order "Precious" or "Where's the Beep?". Then we can talk about random. It had it's golden moments though. Sort of like "Super Troopers" but not lacking in sophistication. Similar to Napoleon Dynamite as well, in ways.

I dont even know where I was going with this. I'm all danked out...Get it?

1.10.2005

A vain attempt at fandom...

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Recurring depression or true insight?

It hit me tonight how cliche my problem is. I think. But that's not my problem. My problem is my fear of finding myself. My problem isn't the drugs. The drugs are the escape - the symptom, if you will. It's like having a cold. The problem isn't the runny nose or occasional sneeze. It's the virus. I'm so afraid of facing myself that I can't even look into a mirror. I think maybe I'm subconsciously afraid that what I find may be disheartening, at best. I have an odd desire for school to start or for my job to start because I'm tired of trying to occupy myself, distract my mind, search for a high, what have you. Maybe I'm totally off. Maybe I really do just have a drug problem. It doesn't affect my grades. But it manages to affect every other aspect of my life. I only have one friend - and half of the time she gets on my nerves. I've searched for friends in other places. Myspace, Friendster, various Richmond clubs, VCU, etc. But I've come up with nothing. Either no one strikes my fancy or I, theirs. I thought maybe it was because I have such radical yet traditional views that no one knew what to really grab on to. But now I'm beginning to think, maybe everyone sees that I have such a huge wall built around myself - it must not be worth cracking. I know if I tried to befriend myself, I'd give up. Faster than most.